I’ve now been breastfeeding for just over a year. I never thought I’d make it this long after the first few weeks. In the early days, there weren’t so many drops of milk. There was plenty of sweat, a bit of blood, and lots and lots of tears.
We had so many problems in those early days, my baby and I, the list seems a little unreal to me now. My milk came in late, and never in great quantities. My baby was alternately frantic, nursing aggressively and chomping me painfully, or sucking weakly and falling asleep. My baby continued to lose weight after we left the hospital. I was treated like a negligent mother by staff at the pediatrician’s office. I spoke to many lactation consultants, and started working with one one-on-one at day 10. We worked on latching, but still there were problems. I suffered from continuing pain from my daughter’s chomping, as well as from vasospasms.
And every day, to increase my supply, I pumped several times with a hospital-grade rental in addition to nursing, getting out my drop by drop.
I went through a lot those first few months. For many weeks, I was spending 14 hours a day on feeding activities, between nursing, pumping and giving a supplement of expressed milk or formula. I was totally exhausted, and disillusioned. I’ve never worked so hard at anything in my whole life, and still it never seemed to be enough. Not enough to make things work. Not enough milk to sustain my daughter. And even though it shouldn’t matter, it bothered me that strangers assumed I wasn’t doing enough, that I just need to try a bit harder.
I’m writing this in part to vent about the anger I still feel about the experiences I had. Dealing with people who blamed me for my breastfeeding difficulties. Dealing with medical professionals who didn’t give me the right help I needed, or who gave me bad advice. Dealing with friends, family and total strangers who judged me for “choosing” to supplement with formula.
The breastfeeding literature talks about the “myth” of low supply, because “most” women can produce plenty of milk. Well, my friends, most does not equal all. And for those of us who fall into the minority, it is hard to find validation.
I’m also writing this because I hope that in sharing my story, I will help someone else out there who is also struggling. I hope that others will use this forum as a place to share their stories, and vent their frustration. I’ll put up an email address so that those who want to can post their stories.
I am not a medical professional, so have no medical advice to offer. I am not affiliated with any other group, breastfeeding or otherwise.
However, I will share my own personal experiences, and other information that I’ve learned on my own journey.
